Avoca-don’t. Healthy Eating in 2017

This afternoon, I attempted to venture out into the pit of money-grabbing despair that is your local grocery store, to do my best impression of a health-conscious and responsible adult. I know this is a lie, but to the naked eye I do a rather good impression. Now, as someone who tries to eat (somewhat) healthy because I want to live to the age of 90 and not die of a clogged artery before I can see Donald Trump ruin America, I need to buy the right groceries. Obviously.
Prior to my outing I had made my meal plan for the week, and formulated a grocery list to accompany it (I am NOT effing around). Avocado, fruit, peppers, quinoa, all that kind of stuff. With list in hand, I begin wandering the grocery store in search of the poor ingredients I am going to choose, cook haphazardly and then consume through tears because I wish it was a pepperoni pizza instead. I have heard from an expert (my mom) that you should buy your produce last so it won’t get squished or get warm or whatever else bad things can happen to produce in a thirty minute time period. So I meander around aimlessly for awhile to make it appear that I know what I am doing, and then I go to the fruit and vegetable area.
Now, because I can buy my own groceries, I decide I am going to start buying what I like to call the “swanky produce”, meaning its not apples or bananas or whatever else I have had one trillion of in my brief(ish) existence. Them fancy fruits like pomegranates and avocados and things.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH AVOCADOS COST?! Four God damn dollars. I am not talking about multiple avocados either. One single, hard as the stone that is my heart, avocado. Obviously, we know this is not an isolated incident. Most healthy food is expensive because it’s fresh or organic or grown by wizards or whatever the fuck else. But HOW THE F am I supposed to afford this kind of non-sense to make my body HEALTHY when for the same price I can feed a small family from the dollar picks menu at McDonald’s?! Now, I know that eating healthy is “worth it” and “pays off in the long run” but that does not help me right now in the short run when I am tits-deep in student debt and having to pay that much for one single avocado. I do not have the kind of disposable income that allows for that kind of frivolous spending on  FRUIT. I have the kind of disposable income to ask for extra guacamole on my nachos at a restaurant MAYBE once a month.
So the revelation, my friends, is this: I will eat healthy when I have a job that pays me more, or when I win the lottery, or when I start valuing my food choices over my alcohol intake. Until then, I will eat what I now lovingly call the “reliable produce”. The fruits and vegetables that may not be the best of the bunch, but they don’t break the bank. Much like that cheap wine you buy that isn’t the best in the aisle, but it is in your price range, and good enough for now.

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